Apr 092013
 

Scary-Movie-5

A new installment in the Scary Movie franchise that has none of cast from the previous four films, yet still manages to make a joke entirely based on Lindsay Lohan’s existence? Outrageous! Whacky! Too risqué for modern audiences! Despite not having any of the original cast, is Scary Movie 5 even remotely funny, or is it just another montage of things hitting other things? Find out after the jump.

This is where the plot synopsis for the film mentioned above is meant to be. Usually, I’d mention the cast, give a brief rundown of the film’s story (no matter how complex or thin it may be) then finish off the paragraph with some rhetorical questions. I can’t do that here. Scary Movie 5 has no plot, no story, no narrative no anything. It moves from gag to gag without any segway or connection to anything that happened earlier.

The sad thing is Scary Movie 5 believes it’s a film that follows some sort of story. It THINKS it’s about Jody Campbell (Ashley Tisdale) wanting to become a ballet dancer; but that’s merely a platform for Black Swan gags. Jody also is responsible for looking after three children that aren’t her own who see ghosts. This isn’t a story-line however, it’s a cue sheet for jokes poking fun at the film Mama. Finally, their house is rigged with cameras so we can laugh at how dumb those Paranormalegasomething Activity films were. The minute someone hits their head or falls over violently, we move on to another gag, in another setting, for no reason whatsoever. But then again, what were you expecting from a film titled Scary Movie 5?

Scary-Movie-5-31

One gag in this film involves a haunted pool cleaning machine slowly and insidiously opening the backyard gate and about 50 other possessed pool cleaners show up and they have a party. Yes, a large collection of pool cleaners have a party with music and drinks. This scene goes on for six minutes and not once is it funny. It would have taken at least two days to shoot a scene like this! What was the director thinking?? During this scene I buried my head in my hands, and as I did the two people in front of me leaned in next to each other and spoke:

Person 1: Do you care to see how this scene or the entire movie ends?
Person 2: Um, not really.
Person 1: Then let’s get the hell out of here and have some sushi?

The next sound that was heard as they got up and left the cinema was the quiet voice of a tortured soul crying out “Wait”. This was me, and if you pay good money to see Scary Movie 5, it’ll also be you.

I, along with those around me wanted to laugh; why else would you see this film? Sure one laugh was had throughout the film’s entirety, but you’d think all those involved would think to you know, be funny or in the very least try to make an actual film? The second time I closed my eyes in the film was during the Inception gag which dies in the ass 30 seconds after they attempt it. All I could hear was banging noises and people exclaiming “ow”. Yet, the 13-year-old beside me was laughing hysterically. This is exactly what he wanted to see. What does that say?

Scary Movie 5 was not made for me, it was made for those who laugh easily and enjoy slapstick, even when it’s not a part a joke. This is not a film; it’s an 86 minute YouTube clip that the annoying kid you genuinely dislike insists on showing you. When an actual movie surfaces, I’ll let you know.
 

0.5/5
 

By Chris Elena

 
The Facts

Director: Malcolm D. Lee
Writer(s): Pat Proft, David Zucker
Starring: Ashley Tisdale, Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, Simon Rex, Snoop Lion, Terry Crews
Runtime: 86 Minutes
Release Date(s): Australia & New Zealand: April 11, 2013; USA: April 12, 2013

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